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Other entries in Kanchanaburi

Born to be mild

We hope you all had a very merry Christmas out there, as you can imagine Christmas in Thailand is somewhat different to the usual English fare but we still managed to uphold the tradition of having a good old knees up and getting home at a wholly unsuitable time, more of which later. First off though I'd like to tell you of our day out with a motorcycle. Yes you did read that correctly, Lindsey and I decided (although we don't really remember coming to the decision) to hire out a bike for the afternoon in order to see some temples that were out of town, way out of town it transpires.

Now, driving anything doesn't come naturally to me and in fact my parents could tell you stories of how I nearly maimed myself learning to drive a BMX and how once I nearly wrote off a car when my racing bike (of which I didn't know how to change gear) collided with a parked car of a neighbour. So you can see that to hire a bike, a motorised one at that, wasn't exactly the most coherent of plans, however I had seen old grannies and young kids drive these things all over Kanchanaburi so if they can do it, why couldn't I? Many of you will be thinking ok it's understandable that you (a bloke with all the bloke delusions of motors and loud things) would want to hire out a motorbike but how on earth did you persuade Lindsey to go along with you? To be honest I have no idea, it just sort of happened but it was obvious within a couple of seconds that she wasn't exactly set with the proposal.

There are many places to hire a bike in Kanchanaburi and to say the owners of these bikes are slightly lackadaisical about who they hire them to is something of an understatement. In fact I was blatantly honest with this owner, 'I've never driven before, can you show me how?' Without blinking an eye the owner pulled up a bike, stuck me on it and told me to drive around the yard. Think of those circus tightrope walkers you see riding a little bike in their finale to wow the audience and then think of me driving a bike in a congested yard watched on by a now frightened wife and bemused (and I could detect sympathy directed at Lindsey) bike owner. After several minutes of this, we decided that I was fit for the road, considering I still had trouble with the brake and had no idea how gears work this didn't seem to be a well thought out conclusion. Part of me still wanted out of this but I didn't want to lose face in front of my wife (in hindsight she would've been overjoyed at my backing down) or the owner, who by now thought I was a totally incompetent man of any stature. I was hoping that there would be trouble with the paperwork, such as the lack of a driving license for one, but Thai people being Thai people they don't fret about such trivialities, the owner simply omitted that line and gave me the keys to the bike.

The next thing I know Lindsey is on the back and we're on the open road, with vague directions in Thai of how to get to the nearest petrol station.  Around 40 seconds in I was faced with my first test, a corner.  Turning a bike had been one of my weakest points as a child, in fact I used to use the often tested (and often failed) method of holding my hands in front of my eyes whenever an obstacle approached me, often or not that obstacle wouldn't move (being a tree, it's hardly likely to) and I would usually smack into it. Of course I'm older now and have come to the conclusion that such a method would not be appropriate, I believe instant death is a side effect of such actions. So whilst wobbling all over the road and with a (by now) near hysterical Lindsey in my ear I endeavored to turn the corner.  Not a chance, I simply went straight ahead.  It wasn't until 5 minutes had passed that I picked up the nerve and successfully completed the manoeuvre.  We found the petrol station and with some trouble dismounted the motorcycle; stopping it had by now become easier but not without some difficulty and then I looked at Lindsey, I thought she was going to cry.  

Soon enough we were back on the road with a full tank of peterol and a better idea of our destination, knowing that it was just over the bridge this would be a doddle. Yeah, right.  The next thing we knew we're stuck in a three lane highway with traffic whizzing past us at ludicrous speeds; we loved our third gear and just pootled along. Lindsey was having a mini panic attack (I later discovered that she was frantically waving traffic on from the back of the bike) and I wasn't faring much better but I have to admit, it felt great.  Apart from blocking off an entire lane of traffic, a passer by had to ask us to move over and only then did we realise that a massive bus was waiting to go left, there wasn't any other incidents other than realising after 40 minutes that we were getting in to deeper and deeper traffic without any sign of that bloody temple. We decided to pull over at a little shop on the outskirts of town, that must have been a sight to the local owner, who would have witnessed a fraught woman literally jump off a bike whilst the man looked totally and utterly bewildered that he could still walk. It was then we decided we should turn back as we had no idea where anything was anymore, it was also late and the idea of driving that thing in the dark scared the hell out of me.    

So turn around we did. In the middle of a highway.  In rush hour.  You can imagine how much fun that was.  On our way home I really started to get a feel for the bike and Lindsey relaxed far more, in fact we were having a blast.  That was until we got lost.  Horribly, horribly lost.  We're not sure how it happened, I recognised a left or something like that, but how we got into the middle of a Thai market with traffic seemingly going only one way (and not the way we were going) and then end up down by the river miles from our hut, god only knows.  As scary and as stupid as all this sounds, this was the part of the evening where we really had fun. We got the map out around a dozen times, saw a lot more of Kanchanaburi than the usual westerner does and even saw a Buddist Monk mow the lawn of a temple. We finally made it back, with the aid of a local biker who helpfully pointed us in the right direction, we gave the bike back to the smug bike owner and then fell into the nearest bar for a very stiff drink.

With our 'Hells Angels' ambitions well and truly over we got to the task of figuring out what we were going to do for Christmas.  Most the bars in town were planning a night of festivities on the 24th so it was simply a matter of choosing which bar to plonk ourselves in, we really didn't know what to expect as Christmas Eve in Kanchanaburi is like any other night. The only differences, as we could see it, were the attempts at western Christmas decorations and lit up Christmas trees. As it happened we went to one bar and couldn't escape all night; by the end of the evening (sorry we mean morning) we were out of our heads on Samsong (potent and evil drink), Lindsey was crowned queen of the karaoke and we met two DJ's from Falaraki (Tony and Scott) who we got drunk and laughed ourselves sick with until the very early hours of Christmas morning. So as you can see Christmas over here isn't much different than Christmas in England, except that in Kanchanaburi Lindsey's singing is praised whereas anywhere else she would have been rightly ridiculed.  In fact on Boxing Day we returned to the bar and Lindsey was greeted like the messiah, the owner (see picture of drunk Thai woman on the karaoke) said 'when you next here, we will pay you 100 baht, you have beautiful voice'. Elsewhere that night she was stopped in the street by another fan, in fact she came running up to her singing Lindsey's praises.  What kind of country is this? 

We crawled into bed around 4am and woke around 2 that afternoon and I would like to say thanks to my parents for phoning us at 5:30am our time to wish us Merry Christmas, you can now understand why we sounded so dead. Our Christmas Day was just a day of recovery (isn't it always?) and in the evening we sat down to enjoy our Christmas dinner of chicken (sorry, no turkey) green curry, grilled fish in lime and honey sauce with a side plate of stir fried vegetables. However this feast was nothing compared to what we ate on Boxing Day, all cooked by a friend we've made out here called Troy. We first met her a few days into our stay in Kanchanaburi when she was the owner of a bar a few doors down from our guesthouse.  We fell in to a routine of seeing her most nights for either a late night drink or chat and we got to know her family and friends and ever so slowly we became very good friends with her in our own right. The night before Christmas Eve she suddenly disappeared, her bar was emptied and all the possessions gone, of course we found this very strange as we had been their the night before and she hadn't mentioned a word to us.  All was well though, we found her the day after and it transpires that her landlord, who's a bit of a thug around these parts, had threatened to make life hard for her; she also had some money stolen two nights before, so not wanting to continue in business with this man she just upped and left. 

Troy relocated to the family home and set up a new bar there, as strange as this sounds it's quickly becoming the latest trend in South East Asia, Vietnam is apparently swamped with this arrangement and it can be very cheap to run for the owners.  So on Boxing Day we found ourselves sitting in Troy's family front room; These small Thai houses have a front very much like a garage, a front door is non-existent and when they lock up at night they bring down a big shutter.  Troy's bar is a simple but homily affair, the shutter remains up, a small bar selling beer and cocktails is hastily set up outside and a few tables and chairs dotted around outside, people are also welcome to sit in her home to watch the tv or sit on the couch.  On this occasion we had been invited for dinner as a last night farewell, Troy had kindly prepared a table for us and had been shocked a couple days before by Lindsey's omission that she didn't know how to eat a whole fish.  So voila!  Troy brought out this massive fish, with head and tail intact, and promptly laid it on the table in front of us, Lindsey's eyes were on stalks.  She also brought out two massive bowls of rice along with a hearty plate of sweet and sour vegetables. Troy had cooked us 'pla chom' (a local fish which lives in the River Kwai), soaked in garlic and left to deep fry for a few minutes; this fish had been happily swimming in the river only a few hours before.  Troy then joined us at the table with her own bowl of rice and showed us a way of cutting the fish without encountering any bones, she then prompted us to tuck in and help ourselves. 

We felt so honoured to be in this position, we never thought we would be invited to someone's house let alone have them cook us dinner, let alone it be the finest food we've tasted so far on our journey and this being Thailand that is some compliment.  Hand on heart that was the finest fish I have ever tasted and there was so much, just look at the joy in my face in the picture below (and yes that is the tail of the fish hanging out of my mouth, Troy showed us how Thai like to eat the whole fish including the tail). Lindsey tucked in like her life depended on it, never before have I seen her eat anything remotely like this and she wasn't doing it to be polite either, as she said later that night to Troy, 'ah roy mak' ('that was delicious').  As I mentioned the Thai eat the whole fish and I never really knew how much meat can be extracted from it; only a few nights earlier we had seen another westerner eat a fish in a local restaurant only to struggle with all the bones and leave around 50% of their food simply because they didn't know how to eat it. By the time Lindsey and I had finished (under instructions from Troy) only the skeleton remained and believe me if they were edible I would've had to have fought off Lindsey to eat them. To be invited to Troy's house, to eat with her and spend time with her family; especially her ever laughing mum who understands absolutely nothing that we say, have, by far, been the highlight of our travels so far.  Hopefully we shall see her again in April when she goes down south to one of the islands, until then we are in contact with her on e-mail and have taken much advice from her about the wonders of this mad country.         

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