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i wonder

there are times when I feel I should be somewhere else and not be scared of taking chances..other times, when I am there, I want to go back. It's weird. I really don't have that much time left and the people who are here today may not be there tomorrow. I may not be..but no one trusts a stranger. I don't even sometimes which is quite cynical, even hypocritical. I have people on my list..but can I talk to them? I have a few but soon everyone goes their seperate ways and in the end, it doesn't count for too much anymore. why is that? do I just go my own way? what is there beyond the known..to the unknown? it is sometimes hard to imagine where I will be 10 years from now..and will we survive. will I know what will happen? is it just a stage where I can not help feel sorry for myself..? is it all superficial? does it even matter..

I should just think..if I am happy, then that's what it matters. I don't need to tell people about it. no matter what. it is my own way..my own life..and who cares what people think. or if they want to be part of it. it's not my job to please anyone though I will never intentionally hurt someone..all I can do is move on, make new / keep old friends, and keep going and trying my best. I know god always will help me and I am very thankful for him. I should treat my body better though..and make sure the family is safe. it's only a matter of time..

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