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Other entries in Huế

cant give a proper title, just read it

So I wasn't sure that I was going to publish this journal, but because I am feeling ok about it and because Noah already mentioned it on his blog, I thought I would give my version of the story.

Right as we were preparing to leave Ty's house (from the blog before) Ty's  son came up the house and told ty (in vietnamese of course) about some girl drowning in the nearby river just then. I wasnt sure what had happened b/c ty's english wasnt that good, and so I wasnt sure if it had just happened or if I should offer to try and help because Im CPR certified, etc.. etc.. so  I said nothing, and a few minutes later we were off on our motorbikes back to the city. 

About 50 meters down the road we came along a big group of vietnamese
standing on the road next to the river, and there was a body on the ground. (obviously it was the girl that had drowned) and i assumed she was dead because no one was doing anything, just staring. But then
Noah asked me if I should offer to help, and I said maybee, but I was
scared to do anything, partly out of a sort of fear of interfereing
with the culture, partly of a fear of my inability to actually save
her, and mostly because I was pretty sure she was already dead. (It
had to have been at least 4 minutes of her lying there unconciously and no sign of anyone doing anything in that time). but I asked ty what everyone was doing, and he said that they were waiting to see if
anyone could help and I told him I could try and we were turning
around our motorbikes the next second and rushing back to the girl. 

As I came up, I was still 80% sure the girl was dead, but I thought to myself: "you dont really know what's going on, so just try" I nervously checked her pulse on her neck, but my heart was pounding so
much that I couldnt tell if I was feeling her pulse or mine, but after checking quickly at the wrist and brachial artery as well I decided
that there was no pulse. Obviously I didnt check for breathing but I tried to do rescue breaths because I knew she had to have water in her lungs. I breathed into her and it didnt work- i had forgot to pinch
the nose. I tried again, and there was a gurgling sound. People in the crowd gasped... I even for a split second thought that I had preformed a miracle, but I knew it was just that the pressure of blowing in had
forced water out of her mouth. Water came up... it was putrid and i
was disgusted, but I couldnt stop now. A woman handed me a cloth to
wipe the girl's face and I did another breath. More came up, and the
woman wiped the girl's face while I did chest compressions.

After I had started the whole process, I wasnt so nervous, but I started to get more desperate and disgusted. You see some of the breaths I was doing were also going into the girls stomach and so at some points, the contents of the girls throat, stomach acid, half digested vegetables, and water were coming up as well, at one point these contents practically ejected into my mouth and i nearly vomited. After about a minute of CPR, I looked up and asked TY if more help was coming and if  he could call more help. He said he would try, and I continued, thinking to myself that this girl was definitely dead, and wanting to stop because the thought of touching death in this way was making me physically ill, but I continued a little longer until I noticed that a police officer and a nun? or buddhist woman? were now also part of the group. I turned and asked...

"is there more help coming? I need more help, I cant save her like this. an ambulance maybee, a doctor?" at which point Ty sort of laughed and said: "no one else coming." at this point I knew I had to stop. Not only was I feeling ill, but I knew that even if there had ever been hope in the past three minutes, there was none now. 

I stood up and turned around to look for help in breaking this news to a distraught parent, but the only person who turned to me was the  nun/buddhist? she said:
"I can help" I responded:
"you can help, you know cpr?"
" there is orphanage nearby can you help?"
"oh we can take her there and they have doctors?"
"no, she no mother no father, can you help" to my relief I wouldnt have to break the news to a crying mother or father, only the concerned woman from the orphanage who seemed fairly calm in front of me. So I told her:
"I cant save her... without certain equipment it will be impossible."
she nodded, and I added: "Im sorry, I cant do it." with that, I turned and walked away feeling nothing but guilt and shame. without even giving a second look at the dead girl.

I took a bottle of water from Ty rinsed my mouth out, got on the motor bike and rode away from the whole scene which was now dispersing rapidly.

I felt guilty I think because of my first inaction, then my fear of
trying something, then my sort of cavalier pronouncement of death.
Like I was actually relieved that she was dead so that I would have an excuse not to try anymore and also like I was some fucking expert on
whether someone is alive or dead. I mean when I gave up, literally
everyone else did too. Maybee the pronouncement was not so cavalier,
but for some reason it felt like I had not just not acted correctly.

The only reason I found some solace is because Ty told Noah during the whole ordeal that the girl had been laying there unconcious for at
least 10 minutes, probably 8 minutes before we even got there, so all
my attempts were made on a girl who had prob ably been long dead by medical standards. except in a way this made it worse because all I
had done was get people's hopes up and uneccesarily exposed myself to
diasese and sort of defiled a dead person by forcefully trying to give them life. The point is that I felt guilty for my disgust, my hesitation, and my willingness to stop, yet at the same time I didnt feel bad at all. This is becuase I looked death in the face, and even though its totally foreign to me, I tried something to stop it and gave up when it seemed hopeless to me. Thats it, i'm not especially well equiped to deal with a situation like that and I'm still trying to make sense of the whole thing, but I dont feel guilty anymore.

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