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Sydney, Australia
33° 53' S 151° 12' E
Mar 01, 2006 21:52
Distance 980km

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A Whole Lot of Nuthin'

Text written in: English

Back in Buenos Aires I wrote about how desire consumes me and my life, how it is an inescapable part of life for me and the negative effects this can have on my psyche. Since then, I haven't changed my outlook, but I have changed my daily routines. I used to feel guilty about getting things accomplished, because I wanted to get things done. In part of my initial reason for this trip, was embedded the desire to accomplish something (to make some great discovery about myself or other people), and so I felt that if I wasnt doing something (making some headway) every day, I was wasting my time here, but all of a sudden here in Sydney, I discovered myself being more satisfied with nothing. Noah and I walked to the beach, looked at views, swam, watched movies, ate good food, but more than that, we did almost nothing while we were in sydney. We didnt talk very much, we didnt read very much, we didnt write very much, and I ceased to worry about getting anything accomplished. As a result, I was about as happy as I have ever been. 

Does this mean I am desireless? Absolutely not, in the same way that I was full of desires in Buenos Aires, I am still full of desires. I want to eat good food, meet good people, enjoy moments so much that I dont want them to end, etc..  yet I'm not driven by an impatient and demanding desire to KNOW something profound as soon as possible. I've come to the realization that what I wrote in my intro is an incredibly ambitious task, one suited for an entire life's work, and if I discover nothing then I am fine, because the pain involved in demanding such an impossible task from oneself is too much. But here is the problem that I encounter in this realization:

How much should we demand from ourselves? There is certainly some pleasure to be gained from demanding very little from oneself because the smallest victories in placating desire become more significant> for example, when you don't demand too much of yourself, getting your clothes clean makes you feel a lot better about yourself than before. There is, however, something very troubling to me about this philosophy. The greatest pleasure is derived, I believe, from the desires which take the most work to fulfill. For example, the pleaure involved in learning something new, especially something which was very difficult before or the pleasure involved in resolving problems in the relationships which take work. A life filled with only little desire is pleasant (for as long as I have lived it) and it is easy, but is it as fulfilling as one with greater desires? Is doing nothing and being nothing better than constantly striving to do something or be something? Instead of proposing a mix of the two philosophies as is my usual tendency, I will propose something shocking:

 

I think that the smaller the desires become the better off I am. If I could, I would become a bum, just sitting on a corner all day, yet I am consumed by the pull of something strange, something which most people would call ambition, but that I can't identify. Basically its a little nagging thought in my head that makes me feel like I have to do something (not anything in particular, just something) to be a good person. Its the voice that tells me that I have to have a purpose, NO, a grand purpose in my life, and that this should be the constant driving force in my life, but this supposes that life has a purpose and that I know what it is.... which all of a sudden makes my so-called ambition seem ridiculous. To think that I know the purpose of life is both arrogant and entirely too serious for any human being. What could I expect to really accomplish that would be so great? paint a picture that people look at for the next 400 years? who cares, Ill be dead. Build a huge skyscraper?Eventually, it will only crumble, just as the greatest cities of the world have. These aren't all the only possibilities, but I think they serve to illustrate the point: What could we possibly accomplish which has any real significant impact. Peace accomplished in one generation degenerates to war in the next. Ages of beautiful art and culture fade, and people that we love die. We live a short life filled with desire, with confusion, with pain, and sorrow... why make these things worse by striving to achieve the impossible? 

Instead, you can do nothing, worry very little about getting something great accomplished and live a happy life.