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Buenos Aires, Argentina
34° 35' S 58° 40' W
Jan 29, 2006 19:08
Distance 327km

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Other entries in Buenos Aires

Philosophical Musings on a Bare Bed

Text written in: English

Flat on my back staring at the slow rotating fan, I languish in the heat and obstinate noise of my room in Buenos Aires. The air is moist and hot, relieved only by the sharp contrast of the blast of air that blows over my bare chest and face every 11 seconds. I know its eleven seconds because I've been up for hours trying to sleep, but instead ive been getting mad at the insolence of sounds that personally assualt me and keep me from sleeping, keep me here awake, cognizant of the moisture building up in the fold between my chin and my neck, the sweat grouping into wetness at the base of my scalp. the room has a window facing the world's largest avenue, the 9th de julio, and on this avenue of course cars drive by motorcycles rev their engines, horns honk, and people yell at each other- shouts to greet and shouts of anger. The room's door side faces the main room of the hostel and eminating from there is a low sound of constant music playing, this side is not so bad. the worst side is to my right: the pool room, from which one can hear the sudden crack of pool balls, the clunking of the entire set of them emptying out from wherever they are kept when someone puts in a quarter and an ocassional shout or groan. these are the worst because they jolt you out of the hot peace that you had learned to glean from multiple background noises, they remind exactly why you arent sleeping. remind you that you put no sheets on the bed because youd rather sweat all over the damn mattress then your clean sheets. remind you that sometimes this whole travelling thing sucks--

 

and then you come to your senses again, and you realize you're living a fantasy. I dont work,  I meet new people all the time, see different beautiful places, go to the beach, eat good food, do what I want when I want to basically. I awake to a world of possibilities, and yet I am not doing what I expected: I want more.

Specifically, at the moment that I am sweating in bed I want a/c, and some peace and quiet, but at other points I want other things. I walk down the pedestrian street in Buenos Aires and I want a Basketball jersey, not sure why, just seems like a cool thing to have. At the beach, I want a brown tan, to show off to whoever is looking. When we are drinking, I want a glass of Early Times Whiskey, or sometimes at night I want my family to be close by, the next room or something, and sometimes I just want to be walking home from the JCC through my boring but intensly pleasant neighborhood instead of walking though the opressively hot streets of some dirty south american city, where dog shit runs rampant and people flick their still smoldering ciggerete butts on the ground (all you smokers out there, butts are trash, dispose of them properly).  The point is that It seems very rare that I'm not assailed by some kind of desire or that I dont feel short of something.  In fact the thing I wanted most from teh trip and still want most is  to curtail these desires (which is funny, to want not to want) by living a sort of spartan life where I only ate what I could and only had a few clothes and only slept in the barest of circumstances, but as it turns out I live in relative luxury compared to how 99 percent of the world lives, even though I am just living on saved up money from temporary jobs. When I think about this I get sad, and think that I should be doing something really hard, really different. When I see the pampas I think I should become a gaucho, riding and roping, only with what my horse can carry and eating beef every day on the plains. Or maybee I should become a fisherman and live the hard life of smelling like fish everyday, waking up early and using my hands to make a living. Just do something that doesnt actually feel like im on vacation or at the first week of college, yet something different from just plain work. that is what I wanted... and still want.

 

Now this sense of wanting which seems to plague me throughout is abated sometimes (actually quite a bit) by moments of sublime happiness and satisfaction. Like laughing and joking in cab last night on the way to a disco, or sitting atop a sand dune in Peru, just taking it in, or presenting a brilliant word in scrabble to Noah and Marisa, all these moments seemed like moments of sheer desirelessness (new word invented by me), except that they are in fact not moments free of desire. This is why: what it is that I really want at tehse types of moments is for the moment, which may last a second, minutes or hours, is for the moment to continue indefinitely to never end, and though it may feel like it will sometimes, I know at the back of my mind ALL the time that these moments always have an end, so even in the best moments of my life, desire persists.

Desire persists and pervades all aspects and every moment of my concious life (even in my dreams), and this is what I have learned so far about what I want. Maybee i knew in the back of my mind that desire exists indefintely for me, that no matter how spartan my conditions are or how much I give to myself, I'll never be able to escape it. however it vests itself, I will want something all the time. Is this terrifying? in a way, yes, knowing that at all times i will feel incomplete or unfufilled is an appauling proposition. At the same time though its comforting as well, because when I begin to feel incomplete or unfufilled I know a little bit more about it. It may  not always because I am missing out on something important it might just be a result of my perputal condition, the condition I was born into and will live with the rest of my life. This information is the key to actually mitigating the desires, if I know that I will just want all the time, I wont be as tempted to fill this seeming void with useless things (material possessions, drugs, meaningless sex, devices meant to distract us from our thoughts and desires, food,  and a thousand things I have no need to mention... ) and also I will not despair as much when these desires strike me.

 

This is what I know now about what I want. Of course, what I know might change. Im open to the idea that there is a state of mind free of desires, yet I do neet feel like I am on the path to discovering that state. So in the mean time I will call these collections of random thoughts my knowledge, and go about my life....