Cambridge, New Zealand (Aotearoa)
37° 53' S 175° 27' E
Sep 16, 2007 19:43
Distance 18696km

Text written in: English

Die Wende

I am writing this on 23 October at 20.57, having just finished a very fruitful conversation with my Mother. She is in two urns on her sideboard. One of which we will empty into Lake Te Koutu tomorrow, the other which I will open at Auvers-sur-Oise some day, as she wished.

It's been over 3 weeks since she escaped that torture chamber, her Earthly body that I came to scorn so richly in the time between my arrival at Torview Park and her departure. I certainly struggled to comprehend those who mourned at that coffin because for me its contents symbolised her entrapment.

Can you imagine two weeks watching your Mother's every breathe, initially fearing each one should be her last, and finally, aeons later, hoping it will be?

36 hours I finally spent in that Waikato Hospital, commencing one Sunday 8pm upon an urgent phone call from a nurse. Two nights spent on a linoleum floor with an attentive ear and a loathsome heart for company. An eternity of  conciousness.

 Ghastly rasping gasps and eyes absent of pupils. Wondering if she even knows you're there. 11th hour reassurances that she's receiving "world-class treatment", and you wonder if New Zealand had proper private healthcare if at least we might have been able to pay for world-class treatment to save her life... whilst facing Southern Cross advertisements in the canteen.

No she left that room gladly that morning and so did I. I actually felt her leave and rise above the bed, looking down on us. Then I took my coat, just as I promised, and we both walked to the Rose Garden up the road.

She speaks to me more now than she did since I arrived, and I can be sure that the messages I receive are not befuddled by morphine. I just need to remember how to listen.

***

Now I have six weeks left here. I am painting eggplant in the vestibule and putting Jarrah on the floor, literally. Living in the renovations as we do them. I have four horses to sell, farm equipment to auction and a whole stable of exotic implements to vend. The first thing I did when I got home from the hospital was throw away all the medication - or so I thought! I'm still finding it here and there - but it's not all to do with the cancer. Mum always hoarded prescriptions. We didn't use aloe vera cream for sunburn in our house, we used old painkillers from the Bathroom Chemist! HAHA.

I'm getting there, but am very much looking forward to going home. I realised how nuts my life is at the moment when I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a scrap of sandpaper. Oh well. At least I can pretend to be butch.

I must be nuts - I gave an urn a hug before writing this! In fact I didn't even mean to write this, I was just going to upload some photos of the farm.

Meanwhile, Gordon and James in Parnell, Serge and Christopher in Karori, and Regan and Dion in Mount Victoria are guardians of my sanity (when did we all get so couple-y?). Being on this farm does drive me nuts, but it will be all worth it in the end.

  

Photos / videos of "Die Wende":

The barn and the "race" to the end of the property Looking northeast from the barn The house and some of the pens. I will photograph the house AFTER the renovation work is finished! The riding 'arena' is on the other side of the house. The stable and the pens The stable and the pens The front paddock