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Baghdad, Iraq
33° 20' N 44° 23' E
Feb 27, 2003 13:56
Distance 0km

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Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Text written in: English

Peace at any cost?

I came here to Baghdad from New Zealand, enjoying the adventures I set out to have from home one year earlier. Now I'm here embroiled in the heartland of the media spotlight, trying to sift through options and get real information (as I'm sure you can appreciate, this isn't too easy here and there are many vested interests trying to influence what's going on in my head). What have I gotten myself into?

I'm in over my head. There's no question of that. I have no contact with the outside world via email - it's only because ballofdirt.com is a small service that I'm able to sneak in under the blanket of information-denial set up by the government in Iraq. I've been fortunate enough to keep contact with my Mom through sparatic emails and the odd phone call, though even telephones aren't full proof. The last conversation we had last three minutes before the line went dead and there is no telling why that happened (whether it was a chosen action from hidden sources or just unreliable technology). It's tough, to say the least.

I have conversations on a regular basis about the fear. I'm scared. There is little doubt this country will be the target of an intensive military action designed to do whatever the US government's objectives may be: domination, oil procurment or regime topelling. Do I stay or do I go? How long do I stay. I came to be a human shield, to defend the Iraqi people's right to have clean water, food and hospital services but there may not be enough of us to guarantee our planned success. Stopping the war was a distant hope, but now I have even begun to doubt the willingness of our "free and democratic" leaders to heed the will of the people.

As far as a physical update, I'm actually shielding a site now. I'm living in worker housing at a food storage facility outside of Baghdad. The duplex complex I'm in is home to several families - around 12 - plus 8 of us shields. We've been given outstanding facilities, including the installation of a local phone line to remain in contact with media and our local organizers, but at whose expense? I didn't come to be a pawn but that is a reality that is hard to escape in this country: you kind of have to accept hospitality when it's offered. It's nice to have a "home" and we will do our best to establish good neighbourly relations with the locals, even heading out to locals schools to do a peace-art project this weekend.

That doesn't eclipse my emotional response to this site. It's safer than an oil refinery or power plant as far as hard targets go and it's certainly a more pure humanitarian site. Conversely, I'm out of the city and outside many of the avenues I have for support and/or help if war should break before I decide to leave the country. I came to help but I'm not convinced 10 of us at this site will protect it from an onslaught of missiles that is expected on Day 1 of war. We've been told that a trip to Amman, Jordan (the hopping off point in the event you want out at this point) can cost upwards of $3000US for the 4 hour taxi ride. That makes this a decision to make now, before bombs drop.

So do I stay or do I go? I'm here because of what I stand for. Peace and justice. Is my life worth risking for all that? I know I've already had enough run-ins to make it worthwhile (whether positive with national media coverage or negative with Iraqi men who worked with an agenda I don't even want to imagine) but that still doesn't put my heart at ease. I know that people at home would much rather see me again than make a memorial to my efforts - and there is little doubt in my mind as to which outcome I'd rather be a part of. It's a day by day debate that wages its own war in my heart.

I guess it remains to be seen what action I will take. God willing, I'll make it out of here to fight another fight, to stand up for my beliefs again.