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Panzhihua, China
26° 32' N 101° 43' E
Dec 05, 2005 05:47
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The Dreaded Depressing Post

Text written in: English

            Sometimes, it's not all fun and games here in China.  While all my stories have tried to extol how easy and exciting this experience is, that's not the whole truth.  Most of my experiences are fascinating and fun, but it's not always a walk in the park.  One segment of my character I appreciate is how easily I can transform into a passive observer.  If things are going crappy, why not just laugh it off, look around, and enjoy the ride, or take some pictures.  Yet, on occasion my stoic philosophy gets brushed aside, letting frustration and confusion take its place.  It's true, some days are hard and some days are a struggle. 

For a lot of volunteers, the struggle is made harder by one apparent fact...our abundance of material comforts.  We don't live in mud huts, or eat bugs, or walk miles to get our own water.  In fact, I live in a 4-room apartment, eat great food, and can enjoy a hot shower whenever I want.  The struggles my fellow Peace Corp volunteers and I face in China don't surface in the area of accommodations; they come in different forms.

            When I leave my house, nothing happens anymore.  Most people in my community are used to seeing me and many know me by name.  Either because I turned up The Beatles a little too much or because they have met me in circumstances that don't involve a sleepy Chinese man asking me why my music is so loud at 11pm.  The five-year old boys that stared at me with mouths gapped; now greet me by name.  I see many people I know on my walks to class and the market.  But, it's a different story when I go into town.

            Mostly, it's the looks.  The looks that let you know that you are different, that you don't belong.  The looks that come from people you have stopped dead in their tracks by your mere presence, who then turn their bodies, eyes locked in step with your footfalls.  The staring that bothers me the most is that which comes from people who seem to get upset when you stare back.  The best way to describe the feeling is with a simple analogy.  It's as if you went to a nice banquet and forgot to wear pants.  When you got to the banquet the attendees are so taken aback, that everyone fails to mention the error you made in dressing yourself.  So, you continue on, realizing that something is wrong, but damned if you know what it is...if only someone could tell you. 

            Then there is the muttering or shouting of the words "lao wei", "wei guo ren", and "hello", delivered in a high pitched mocking tone (to which I always respond with a similarly toned "nihao", or my own version of the French language).  This might not sound like the biggest struggle to overcome or something that would even bother you, but it starts to weigh on ones conscious.  Especially after you start to feel like this place is home.  I suppose none of this should be taken personally.  Yet, it is still hard to apply this knowledge to the real world.  It's just hard to constantly be reminded that you are an outsider and that you will never be accepted as a true part of China.

 

Ok!!!  Now to end on a happy note!!! Wooohooo!!! Cheer Up!!!

 

This past weekend I finally realized one of my Chinese dreams...to buy a soccer jersey.  I know, it might sound stupid, but man!  I had been dying to have one for a month or two now.  I ended up buying the Chinese national team jersey, complete with matching shorts.  I was wearing it around all day yesterday and made sure to take my soccer ball along with me everywhere I went.  It cost me 50 kuai for the outfit, about 6 bucks.  So, not too bad.  But, my new plan is to overhaul my entire wardrobe into an international emporium of soccer paraphernalia.  It's a little disturbing how excited I am to get back to that market and pick up my next jersey.  If you have any suggestions about which team I should join next, just tell me.